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Thursday, May 07, 2009

It's been 3 years since i type an entry. need to sign up for a google account just to get my blog running again. A lot of things happened in my life since the 3 years. a word of caution, this entry will be very long. so, here goes.

First of all, i get to work for my dream job, SCDF. been in the force for 2 1/2 years now. bonded for another 3 years as i do not have ns. didnt think to much about it. cause my career for these 3 years is secured. further more, i'm taking part time now, in an MLM company name LFI. for your info, this is the third company that i was approached. the first one was before i sign on, received a call from them to come to their hq around lau pa sat area. the company name was ventura something. wasnt interested in it at all. next, i was approached by my ns ff. it's company was at prinsep st. was a bit interested, but was busy due to national day involvement, which in the end i didnt do anything at all. it's really easy money. maybe not easy. but manageble, weighting time vs pay, it's very easy to make money as compared to other jobs. it's an opportunity not to be missed. so i told myself that if the next one come in, i'll consider. so, my ers mate pull me in. and it's different from what other company is doing. so i decided to try it out. i put in 2.7k. my first month pay was 778. not bad. i'm trying to break even. maybe another 2 months.

something happened in my life on the 13th of Jan 2008. my beloved dad passed away. came to a shock to me. that day, i was suppose to help him shift my auntie things, but i was too tired as i came home late the day before. feel so shitty... that was my last chance to be with him, and i blew it off. fuck up son i am. i still remember the events that day. i woke up around 1330. so i watch tv with my day, back to the future 2. it's nearing the end of the movie. then i realise my dad rose from the sofa and walk away. it's weird. cause usually he will finish any movie first before doing something else, even if it's very important. turns out, he was suffering from heart pain. i quickly get my car and wait for him and my mum under my block. he was too weak, so i had to call for the alpha. i accompanied him to the hotel. he was in icu after the ops. his heart was 100% block, survival was slim. even if he survive, he might suffer from brain damaged.

one by one my family arrived. it feels so fuck up to see someone you care about lying helplessly, in pain, and you cant seem to do anything about it. that's how i feel when i was in the bed with him. all i can do was held his hand tight, and pray that everything will do well. but it didnt. around 2200, he passed away. i stay with him till the end. i had a lot of things to ask him. like the car and stuff. but i didnt get a chance to ask him. the most fuck up thing was i didnt get a chance to say i love you to him when he was concious. i know i was a bad son. but he did all he can to fulfil his responsibility as a father. i have all the plans in the world for both my parents. but i cant seem to share it with him now.

the next day, i was the last one to sleep. just wanted to make sure my mum sleep first. i slept at 6am. then i dreamt of my late dad. at around 9am, all of my family members are awake except me, cause i slept late. all of them tried to wake me up. but i was too sleepy.then i dreamt that my dad asking me to wake up. he said something like all of the family members are awake, and i need to get dress before everybody come. i knew it's just a dream, but i knew he was really there in the room with me. around noon, we go to cck for the burial ceremony. i was one of the guy to help bury my father, and the last one out too. to be honest, i felt the best feeling in my life when i help to bury my late date. dont get me wrong. after all he has done for you, the least you can do is for you to be the one to bury him in peace. after we went home, we had our kenduri. i didnt tell this to anyone. so when i was in a group with my family members to eat, i wanted to ask 'where is my dad??' i thought he was busy with his RC things. but then it hit me, i had no more dad from that day on...
last week, i dreamt of him after a few months. i dreamt i was in my cd lorry with him. we were at malaysia. the petrol was low, so i stop by a petrol station to refill. but i realise i dont have malaysian currency. so i ask him, 'ayah, boleh pakai duit ayah dulu? nanti aijal bayar balik.' he just say 'boleh'. when i woke up, i started to feel something. i was at my gf house, so i called her to the room and i talk abt it. i cried in front of her. i miss him alot. it's been years since i called someone 'ayah'. and i miss calling it. luckily my gf was there to comfort me...
speaking of gf, i have a new one now. been around 2 weeks only. i ended my 5 years relationship with my ex. why??? i started to feel that the feelings just isnt there anymore. is it cause i get to know somebody new?? maybe, but even so, that only contributes to only a fraction of the reason why i lose my feelings towards her. i tried to think if i didnt kenal2 with someone new, would i still feel this way?? the ans, yes. but i just couldnt see it clearer.
my current gf is named marissa. this year is taking her 'A' level. she's 4 years younger than me. met her at division family day.as always, i asked arman to get her number for me. anyway, i love her. so much. but there's something abt me that's hard for me to breeze through the relationship. i cant let my gf to be more 'wild' than me, or something around that line. she had her history. everytime she talked abt it, it make me feel uneasy. she's also into cheer, dance and muay thai. seems like she's somebody and i'm not. it's hard. ego? maybe. i just have to live with it, cause i've already decide to be with her.
it's hard to see her suffering everytime. i feel so helpless when she has sob, or dib. all i can do is just to be with her and rub her back. i cant do anything else. and that scares me. i may lose her anytime, and i'm not ready for it. and now my mum dont like me being with her cause i spend a lot of time with her and not always at home. ok fine, it's true. but everytime my bro is not at home, i'm with my mum. doesnt that counts?? he's always go out for the past 9 years when i'm at my new house. so why cant i go out and spend some time with my gf too??? i feel so fuck up. they all dont realise that i've been in the family throughout my life, and when i'm not around just for awhile, they started talking. then my bro?? nothing. fuck. that's all i have to say. fuck....


logged by Ijal at 1:52 AM





Saturday, May 20, 2006

HIYAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

guess who's back???? me!!!!!!!!! yup. me. ijal... after more than 2 years of MIA, here i am again. type in this entry just to test if my blog is still working.... so, here it is.

a lot have gone through in the past 2 years. have graduated from poly. kinda sucks cause i love that sch. can do whatever you want and wont be punished.... haiz... i miss sch. working for mac (again) till i go ns.

this morning, before went to work, went down to a fire station for an interview. turn out there was no officer there. so they told me to go to the HQ. gonna go there on tues, my nearest off day.

wanna type in a lot, but dont know when it will end. i'll just leave it from here. till then, ijal signing out.....


logged by Ijal at 9:58 PM